Looking for Love? Cultivate a Positive Self-Image

Article by Carri Lager, Ph.D
Photography by Carri Lager, Ph.D

Looking for love within a romantic relationship? Start by nurturing the most important one that you are in…the relationship with yourself! A consistent, positive self-image can help us identify what our needs are within a relationship, making us more likely to discover lasting and meaningful connections. In our competitive, outcome-based society, there is not enough emphasis on the importance of working towards developing confidence and acceptance through self-love. On the other end of the continuum, focusing solely on positive thinking without addressing negative thoughts/emotions can be limiting. The goal is to find a balance and achieve more healthy, realistic thoughts.

Many individuals seeking therapy encounter what we psychologists refer to as cognitive distortions, which are unrealistic, negative, and critical thinking patterns that can lead to debilitating anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Think of it like having your own personal internal coach knocking you down, limiting your confidence, and preventing you from making healthy choices within relationships. This kind of unchecked criticism over time can limit a person from reaching their potential and experiencing more satisfying relationships and lives.

There are a variety of proven benefits to having a more accepting and positive inner dialogue. Advantages include increasing serotonin levels, decreased depression rates, lower stress levels, increased resilience in the face of challenges, and better immune functioning and cardiovascular health, all of which can result in improved life satisfaction. Some research suggests that having a consistent positive outlook in the face of hardship can even prolong your life by as long as 15 percent even after accounting for diet and exercise!

It is important to be mindful of your inner thoughts and feelings, which can be challenging when one never needs to be alone with their thoughts due to the constant distraction of technology. My clients describe using social media, podcasts, or music as a means of distracting from their inner thoughts and feelings, especially at bedtime. Much like the old game “Wack-A-Mole,” you can suppress those thoughts and feelings down for a period of time, but they always find a way of popping back up. So, it would be wise to learn strategies to more effectively examine and deal with those thoughts/feelings so that we can grow and lead happier lives.

• Use mindfulness to identify negative thoughts.

• Challenge the thoughts (Is this really true? How else can I look at this? What would I say to a friend/child? Will this still bother me in a year?)

• Replace with more positive, realistic thoughts.